A Dish Served Cold (review)

"I devoured your story whole as if I were a dark scary monster and this tale was an itty bitty mouse.
OH, MAN, WAS IT TASTY!
I read a review somewhere on this story where someone said the characters weren't anything special and they didn't like that, but in all honesty, I always feel like that is when the stories feel real.
I also know that making your characters seem like ordinary people is hard to do and I applaud you for that! Andrew's character development is rather subtle, but imperative to the story and the emotions he feels are real. He describes his own shortcomings and insecurities flawlessly and in a very natural way. I especially appreciated the fact that his lament over his mother's death was not that of a devastated two year-old crying over spilled milk. Not many people realize that someone mourns over another's death when they knew it was coming a lot differently than if that person, say, committed suicide. I read too many stories with similar themes to this one where the characters seem to be in constant moodswings and I felt disoriented. To sum it up, please keep doing what you're doing character-wise!
As for the dialogue, I do have to admit I felt some of it did feel pretty "fake?" especially when somebody had a rather long-winded response. Maybe I didn't feel like it was fake, so much... Maybe after a while I felt like I was being reminded that I was reading a story and I'd have to re-read the paragraph because I lost attention. Perhaps break some of the longer dialogue up with something to add to the story every now and then? Please keep in mind that this is me just being nit-picky and trying to search for SOMETHING to be constructive about in this review. It was totally something very minor.

You describe enough to paint a picture, but not so much as to bore me with description. Sometimes, the grammar and spelling wasn't perfect, but you said this was your first story and that you were Van Helsing-ing it up on that front so I'm quite sure that's not a big deal anymore.

Conclusion:
Loved it. Great story. I laughed. I cried. You had me holding my breath and praying for the main character. There was a point where I yelled "Just freaking say I love you already!" at the computer screen. My boyfriend looked at me from across the room and shook his head. I look forward to more of your works."

I can't tell you how happy I was with your review. Mind you, I take my coffee black and I'll take my adulation undiluted every day of the week as well. But your critique was spot on and that makes that I tend to take the praise seriously too.

So, thank you.

Of course I went to look at your profile on FP, so I know you're a self declared grammar Nazi, a card carrying member of the Spelling SS, a captain of the Punctuation Police and probably a Commander in the Order of the Oxford Comma. *shudders* You must have had a field day. :)

I said in the introduction that I knew the story has problems and you put your finger on one of the most serious flaws. Indeed, a lot of the dialogue, especially Geoffrey explaining things, is contrived (to say the least). Also, I never was happy with the 'history lesson' in one of the earlier chapters.

Not to mention that at a given point I had painted myself into a corner and had to use a few inelegant tricks to write myself out of it. I guess I just hoped I could bamboozle the reader and blind him with fireworks so he would look over the glaring gaps. I think I know how to solve these problems. Instead of letting tell Geoffrey so much, I could show all the intricacies of 'the system'. That would require an additional four or five chapters. No biggie, since I told only about sixty percent of what I know of this world and the characters anyway. Well, no biggie... actually it would mean a major rewrite and would bring the whole thing to novel length or thereabouts. Maybe someday... For the moment I must attend to the many troubles of the kingdom of Ximerion. Meanwhile I have limited myself to some quick an dirty editing, shifting a few paragraphs around to bring them more or less in chronological sequence and that's about it.

I did my best to eradicate as many typos as I could find, though I doubt I got them all. They're wily critters, evil and devious.

Although I liked everything about your review, including the criticism, I was most happy with the yelling at the screen. That was exactly what I was going for.

So, thank you. You made my day.